Warhammer 40000:Hijinx Imperialis
by Scissorman13
Summary: The wartorn future of the 41st millenium is about to get interesting as two Imperial Guardsmen stumble their way through training and into battle itself with consequences both painful and humorous.


The bitter, battle-worn future of the 41st millenium... 

In this dark time, war is endless, and there are no allies. On the thousands of planets throughout the galaxy, millions of soldiers are prepared for battle against the countless legions of chaos and proclaimed heretics of the galaxy.

This document will chronicle the travels and experiences of two Imperial Guardsmen who hail from the planet Cadia. Cadia is a staple in the Imperium of Man, being in the same region as the Eye of Terror, where the forces of Chaos spawn themselves and lay relentless assault on Cadia.

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WARHAMMER 40,000 HIJINX IMPERIALIS

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Authors Note:  
This is really just a small project I am working on. I would really like to put it in webcomic form but first I want to put it in writing to see how everyone takes to it. If you think it might work or might not, don't hesitate to review or email me to let me know. I would really like to see this become a real working webcomic and I appreciate anything you have to say about it to solidify my decision.

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It was a cold day on one of Cadia's many military Kasr's, a fortress where Imperial Guardsmen are trained for combat. Cadian troops patrol and train up and down the streets day in and day out. Children of all ages fill the training grounds and classrooms. From birth, Cadians are trained in battle to be prepared for the war torn regions of the galaxy and are sent of at ages as early as 14. There is a saying on Cadia:

"Any Cadian who can't field-strip his own lasgun by the age of 10 was born on the wrong planet."

This could not be more true. Any and all people born on Cadia are used for war one way or the other. Any Cadians not fit for combat are used in factories for creation and assembly of armor and weapons for the Imperium. Cadia is also a center of military commerce, with weapons being developed and sent off to all worlds under control of the Imperium.

One particular training class is unique amongst all other classes. Not because of any differences in strength, intelligence, or tactics, but because of two soldiers. These two are completely unknowing of the adventures, albeit MISadventures they are about to endure that will change their lives and possibly the tides of the war.

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"You men will never know the true fire of battle by mere lessons. If it were up to me I would send you all out to the field of battle right now!"

The Officer walked up and down the rows of desks seated by various young men being trained in the tactics of battle. He eyed the soldiers from head to toe, testing their resolve and will under pressure. Then, that moment, one guardsman raised his hand.

"Excuse me, Officer?"

The Officer paused and turned towards the direction of the voice. He cocked an eyebrow and stuck out his bottom lip.

"What is it, soldier?"

"Well, sir, technically you CAN send us off now. I mean, from birth we 'ave ta learn an' memorize the military doctrine before we can even read or write! And then we gots to learn 'ow ta kill a man before we can walk! Seein' as we is all about sixteen or seventeen years old b'now, you'd THINK we'd be ready?

The Officer lowered his head and his jaw dropped slightly.

"What is your name, soldier?"

"Er, Private Blake, sir."

"Private Blake, who is the Officer in dis 'ere classroom?"

"If I'm not mistaken me guess, and no change in command 'as occured, I believe it would be you, sir."

"Well, no change in command 'as occured, so you are correct."

"'Ow so, sir?"

"I AM YOUR DAMNED TRAINING OFFICER!! AND AS SUCH YOU WILL NOT QUESTION MY ORDERS TO KEEP YOU MEN IN DIS 'ERE CLASSROOM!"

"It was jus' a statement, sir."

"I don't believe you men are ready yet! For the Emperor's sake, if I remember correctly, YOU were supposed ta be outta 'ere years ago!"

"I don't quite grasp da meanin' of what we teachin' 'ere, sir."

"DA MEANIN'?! You are BORN on Cadia, you LIVE like a Cadian!! If you don't make it in the army, you are sent off to the factories! DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN THE FACTORIES?!"

"Well I COULD make a few suggestions about the armor..."

Another one of the soldiers in the classroom raises his hand.

"'Scuse me, officer?"

The Officer sighs deeply and turns to the other soldier.

"What is it?"

"He 'as a point 'bout the armor sir."

"This is not your argument, soldier!"

"It feels like cardboard, really."

"SHUT IT!"

"Unless that's the stuff we jus' trainin' wit', I doubt this 'ere army is goin' very far."

The Officer stomps over to the other soldier and stares him right in the eye.

"TELL ME YOUR NAME!"

"Private John, sir."

"Well, well...John and Blake, eh? You two are apparently gonna be causin' me a millenium of trouble during this class! I'm surprised you 'aven't been shipped off to the factories already!"

"Well Blake bungled up a fair batch of lasguns."

"John 'ad a little trouble with the female employees!"

"Not my fault!"

"AND you carved some rather lecherous things into the armor if I remember correctly!"

"YOU SHOT THE FOREMAN!"

The two continued to argue to eachother. The Officer began to pull at his hair until he could take no more. He pulled out the laspitol he had holstered at his side and aimed it at the two men.

"ENOUGH! BOTH 'A YOU BETTER BE QUIET OR I'LL FRY THE BOTH OF YA!"

John and Blake turned to the Officer and silenced themselves. Blake cocked his head and scoffed.

"You know, it's just a high powered laser pointer. Doesn't 'urt that much."

John turned and looked at Blake and raised an eyebrow.

"You been shot by a laspistol before?"

"No, but look at it! The most we could eva' do is break the skin! MAYBE!"

"Is our entire army just THAT POOR?!"

"Damned Space Marines get everythin'..."

The Officer placed his finger on the trigger and shouted towards the two.

"THAT'S IT!"

The Officer pulled the trigger, but the shot fired slightly downward and to the right, hitting a different soldier and going clean through his head. The soldier's body falls to the floor and the entire class, John, Blake, and the officer included paused in shock. John turned to Blake.

"I TOLD you that you bungled some up!"

"Well I didn't expect 'em to do THAT!"

"That's not quite a laser pointer anymore!"

"Hell! Well might actually WIN this war now! Why you gotta say it like it's so bad?!"

"Maybe, if the sights would stop pulling to the right a bit!"

"Oh, split hairs why dontcha?!"

A couple of officers accompanied by a Commissar entered the classroom. The Commissar saw the dead soldiers body and looked up at the Officer who was still clutching the laspistol.

"Take him away and clean this mess up."

"NO! You don't understand! It was these two who caused this!"

The accompanying Officers grabbed the other Officer and dragged him out of the room. A few more entered the room and carried off the dead soldiers body. THe Commissar then eyed the entire classroom.

"Since your Officer failed to uphold his sworn duty to our Emperor, I will be taking command of this 'ere classroom. Mind you I will not show you ANY kindness or mercy in the days to come. I will make sure you know everything about Imperial Guard strategy and tactics so that you may serve our Emperor well. Now, stand to attention and SALUTE!"

All of the soldiers stand and salute the Commissar. John and Blake look at eachother with concern. John then rolls his eyes and whispers to Blake.

"Well, this year is already lookin' bright for us."

"You talk like it's MY fault!"

"Well YOU 'ad to open your big mouth!"

"Come on, it's not gonna be THAT bad!"

"YOU TWO!!"

The Commissar approaches John and Blake and the other soldiers sit down. He puts both arms behind his back and stands very sternly.

"Are we going to 'ave trouble?"

"NO, SIR!"

"Good, now sit down and get ready for your first lesson under me, soldier! NOW!"

John and Blake sit down very quickly as the Commissar turns and heads toward the podium at the front of the class. The two look over at eachother and just shrug.

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SO BEGINS YEAR ONE


End file.
